stupid fuck's

I thought I might post because its been well years and I didn't even realize it was still open.  saw something that made me sad on lonnas ugh regrets. stuuf about being self obsorbed in eachother...ouch it hurts but it was true. I think alot of it had to do with me not wanting to admit certain facts about our life and also it was in the early stages of his illness so it wasn't all obvious to me at the time. So much I wish I could change about all that. So much I wish I could have changed about myslef. I really enjoyed that time with those people but I guess I have been left in the dark with me being the one who flicked off the light switch.

anyways right now: been monitering the bp passively and not taking any meds or seeing a pdoc. I would like to but I fear the dulling of the mind and I really want to pay off some debt before I spend my last pennies on treatments. angie helps me by just being there when things don't make any sense. and I am getting a lot better at recogizing changes in moods and recognizing my symptoms that lead to the ups and downs. 

ange and I have been visiting with chris on the weekends. we are all so quiet but I enjoy the visits. might shoot off fireworks on the rail road tracks behind my dads house on he 4th. looking forward to that. 

work is good as always but one of my girls has been punching herself in the arm when she gets frustrated with herself. Huge bruises on her arm. Hard to ask her about it and talk to her because of the autism. Found her washing her laundrey the other day. through the window it looked like she was up on a shelf way up high. kinda like an optical illusion. she was really just sitting on a table swingign her legs. I sat on the floor and waited with her for the laundrey to finish drying and then watched her fold her clothes by herself. she is now telling every one she meets that I watch her do her laundrey and that her favorite thing is when i watvch her do laundrey. Sounds sort of lewd, no? que sera sera.

woo hoo

i ahave been going to class and writing alot
nothing much has come of it yet
i got got close to stabbing nichole on sunday but regained myself and
we went out to to shari's, in the, dare i say "daylight" with her the next day

we rented *eternal sunshine of the spotless mind*
i remember watching this film at the ol' supermall last year with bernie
and after word we both just starred out the window of our car and said nothing
like their was nothing left to say
"if i could forget you..." sort of nonsense
i used to be like that, loud and full of ill tempered energy
and i wonder now if it is the experiances i have had or the permanent imppressions
i have made of people in my head that have made me the way i am
but who the hell am i?
and who the hell are you for that matter?

i used to hear all the time , and it get drilled in your head, to be open minded
but honestly, i don't trust people enough
well no fucking duh
why would i of all people even try
but seriosly
why should you give people the benifit of the doubt
because from the very moment people give you a false imppression of themselves
you have a 99.9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999% chance of getting the responce of good when people ask how you are doing and then you are asked the same question of yourself and there is not going to be an original reply

now that i have listed out some of my own shortcomings i think it is time to take a nap

i made a deviant art account
just so i could favorite the pillow shaped creatures
and take a look at some of the russians finished peices
i couldn't find any so i am going to need to get a link
but for now i am off to enjoy the sunshine and then skip off to work

i signed up for classes recently
english and math
the basics
should have signed up for basket weaving
i am excited about it though
being forced to do things that i have been trying to get back into

i would like to say a few things about the boy in my basement
he is still drinking
a bit more social
i don't ask anything of him
and he does things that i like

on sisters
sandy wants to name her beby justice
its a cute name
but not if your father is in jail when you are born
her belly is huge
i hope it comes out on friday or saturday
i have those days off

i am going to draw a surf for time travelers

Current Mood: thoughtful
Current Music: the widow - the mars volta

is melifiscent really coming this weekend or did i completly miss out?

yesturday was kurts birthday
and yesturday hunter took his own life
so today we are going to make tater tots for the both of them

ok asshats! (thank you cbeta for introducing me to that phrase)
do the people working on kindom hearts have a plan to put out a game on every single format exclusivly
i don't understant
the 1st was ps2 and now its gba
i love that stupid game
nd the 2nd for ps2
i don't want to buy a s2
i want to play my mario
*weeps*

Dear Diary,
Today, Cbeta and I deep fried jellybeans. Butter popcorn flavor is the shit.,
Krys

The Christmas Miracle
Most Americans believe the virgin birth is literally true, a NEWSWEEK poll finds
'The Adoration of the Kings,' 1564, Bruegel
WEB EXCLUSIVE
Newsweek
Updated: 2:08 p.m. ET Dec. 5, 2004Dec. 5 - Seventy-nine percent of Americans believe that, as the Bible says, Jesus Christ was born of the Virgin Mary, without a human father, according to a new NEWSWEEK poll on beliefs about Jesus.

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Sixty-seven percent say they believe that the entire story of Christmas—the Virgin Birth, the angelic proclamation to the shepherds, the Star of Bethlehem and the Wise Men from the East—is historically accurate. Twenty-four percent of Americans believe the story of Christmas is a theological invention written to affirm faith in Jesus Christ, the poll shows. In general, say 55 percent of those polled, every word of the Bible is literally accurate. Thirty-eight percent do not believe that about the Bible.

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In the NEWSWEEK poll, 93 percent of Americans say they believe Jesus Christ actually lived and 82 percent believe Jesus Christ was God or the Son of God. Fifty-two percent of all those polled believe, as the Bible proclaims, that Jesus will return to earth someday; 21 percent do not believe it. Fifteen percent believe Jesus will return in their lifetime; 47 percent do not, the poll shows.

When asked if there would be more or less kindness in the world today if there had never been a Jesus, 61 percent of all those polled say there would be less kindness. Forty-seven percent say there would be more war if there had never been a Jesus (16 percent say less, 26 percent say the same); 63 percent say there would be less charity; 58 percent say there would be less tolerance; 59 percent say there would be less personal happiness and 38 percent say there would be less religious divisions (21 percent say more and 26 percent say the same).



• The Christmas Miracle
Most Americans believe the Virgin Birth is literally true, a Newsweek poll finds

Just 11 percent of those surveyed say American society as a whole very closely reflects true Christian values and the spirit of Jesus; 53 percent say it somewhat reflects those values. But 86 percent say they believe organized religion has a “a lot” or “some” influence over life in the United States today. Nine percent say it has “only a little” influence.

Sixty-two percent say they favor teaching creation science in addition to evolution in public schools; 26 percent oppose such teaching, the poll shows. Forty-three percent favor teaching creation science instead of evolution in public schools; 40 percent oppose the idea.

For this NEWSWEEK Poll, Princeton Survey Research

this is for the people i love the most:

i'm sorry that i can be such a chicken shit
i'm sorry i have things to be apologizing for
Im sorry that i lied
I'm sorry that i kept quiet when you needed me to scream
I'm sorry that I disapeared
I'm sorry that i probably won't be coming back
i am sorry for my anxiety that causes me to apologize for things i had no control over
I'm sorry that i take the blame
I 'm sorry that i don't
I'm sorry that i can never get across what i really meant to say
I'm sorry that i never had the chance to say goodbye
I thought that i would see you again realy soon
I am sorry that i probably won't
I don't detatch due to hate , mistrust or apathy
but now for comitment to the emidiate
i am shitty person for abandoning the people i know that need me
not to need me because i was going to solve all their problems
but because we all need the people that were good to us with us
even when things aren't deep and down and dark
what could i possibly do to make up for it?



and the band plays on...


Private Helicopter Lyrics
Artist: Harvey Danger
Album: Where Have All The Merrymakers Gone?


"i'm on a private helicopter with my favorite ex girlfriend
tiny little cabin in the sky
now we're alone and we can remember how we felt before we were angry:
we were guilty and we were bitter
(I must admit I said a few things but...)
i'm still attracted to you
sorry we've been so cold so
eight miles high and three hours to landing
god your hair smells really great
i'm on a hovercraft to Paris with my former best friend
we have to get to the cinematheque
we're not alone but no one speaks english, so we're free
to look into each other's minds
and see what we're thinking like we always used to
i miss talking to you
but you never draw me out so
cast off the ego scars and let's go hit the bars
i reserve the right to hold my grudges
friends like you, you know the rest
but all told, i hold on to my anger far too long
until it's a joke
the night is cold
the joke is old
(and poorly told, i told you once)
i'm on a private helicopter with my favorite ex-girlfriend,
no one to keep up appearances for
now we're alone and we can remember how we felt at first;
the desperate need to be together
must've been good for something, sugar
i'm still attracted to you
no one's making us do what we're supposed to
so lie here in my arms
lie here in my arms..."

God Dies!

By Frances Farmer - West Seattle High School, Seattle, Washington - First Prize, Familiar Essay Division, Scholastic Awards - Teacher: Miss Belle McKenzie



"No one ever came to me and said, "You're a fool. There isn't such a thing as God. Somebody's been stuffing you." It wasn't murder. I think God just died of old age. And, when I realized that he wasn't any more, it didn't shock me. It seemed natural and right!

Maybe it was because I was never properly impressed with a religion. I went to Sunday School and liked the stories about Christ and the Christmas star. They were beautiful. They made you warm and happy to think about. But I didn't believe them. The Sunday School teacher talked too much in the way our grade school teacher used to when she told us about George Washington. Pleasant, pretty stories, but not true.

Religion was too vague. God was different. He was something real, something I could feel. But there were only certain times when I could feel it. I used to lie between cool, clean sheets at night after I'd had a bath, after I had washed my hair and scrubbed my knuckles and finger-nails and teeth. Then I could lie quite still in the dark with my face to the window with the trees in it, and talk to God. "I am clean, now. I've never been as clean. I'll never be cleaner." And somehow, it was God. I wasn't sure that it was ..... just something cool and dark and clean.

That wasn't religion, though. There was too much of the physical about it. I couldn't get that same feeling during the day, with my hands in dirty dish water and the hard sun showing up the dirtiness on the roof tops. And after a time, even at night, the feeling of God didn't last. I began to wonder what the minister meant when he said, "God, the father, sees even the smallest sparrow fall. He watches over all his children." That jumbled it all up for me. But I was sure of one thing. If God were a father, with children, that cleanliness I had been feeling wasn't God. So at night, when I went to bed, I would think, "I am clean. I am sleepy." And then I went to sleep. It didn't keep me from enjoying the cleaness any less. I just knew that God wasn't there. He was a man on a throne in Heaven, so he was easy to forget.

Sometimes I found he was useful to remember; especially when I lost things that were important. After slamming through the house, panicky and breathless from searching, I could stop in the middle of a room and shut my eyes. "Please God, let me find my red hat with the blue trimmings." It usually worked. God became a superfather that couldn't spank me. But if I wanted a thing badly enough, he arranged it.

That satisfied me until I began to figure that if God loved all his children equally, why did he bother about my red hat and let other people lose their fathers and mothers for always? I began to see that he didn't have much to do about hats or people dying or anything. They happened whether he wanted them to or not, and he stayed in Heaven and pretended not to notice. I wondered a little why God was such a useless thing. It seemed a waste of time to have him. After that he became less and less, until he was ..... nothingness.

I felt rather proud to think that I had found the truth myself, without help from anyone. It puzzled me that other people hadn't found out, too. God was gone. We were younger. We had reached past him. Why couldn't they see it? It still puzzles me."

"Is there anything, in this election, to feel optimistic about? If Democrats use this loss as a defining moment and return to party principles of fighting for those with least and those left out, that's a good thing. And if we build on the historic voter turnout toward greater levels of civic participation, that's also good. Finally, if we confront the issue of faith so that the Bible cannot be manipulated as a Republican tool, that helps us build toward 2008. But I am frankly grasping at straws in an attempt to be optimistic. 2 November 2004 was simply not a good day. "

Julianne Malveaux

i have been working
cbeta just joined me too
i get my check wednesday and i think i may be buying up someones stockpile
if i only made that much!
but this is going to require seeing *him* again
maybe it is time
not avoiding just have not gotten around to it
tonight though i am going to contact mr. deathrage to play with seashells by the seashore
what else does sally sell?

did i ever mention that i was completly head over heels in love because it is still true if thats how to apropriatly describe this oblivion i live in because its all starting to sound like gibberish to me if you feel this way for someone than arent you supposed to stay and stick by them i am still doing that right? this still counts? when is all of this going to wrap itself up and start making sense? i visited bernie today and we spent about a half hour talking about all things shit we need to do i got my blankie back he insisted basically said that i was an indian giver if i didn't take it back and then he told me to *stop being a butt* ad go home and go to sleep because he wanted to get his last toke in and go pass out he is supposed to call me in the morning i am not sure why either though we will see when and if he does am i doubtful? lets just say that i am sleepy

Current Mood: listless
Current Music: jimmy eat world

the boy got his liscence back
that makes me happy

if i die because i am murdered i don't want my killer to be executed

krystal for president in 2020 (i will be 35)

ive been living with him
i don't know how long this will last
my favorite ataris song keeps playing in my head
and i want to walk away
i really don't have any direction
my hope are none
here isn't really anything i am looking for anymore
its more like i am waiting
been wandering back and forth to work
scrouging for gas
ad ciggerettes
josh has turned me into a dirty punk
i stopped showering obsessivly
i owe ange 5 and my other "mom" 20
sad state of affairs
but hey i get paid tommorow
and i have plans for a carton of newports
thats what i am looking forward too
i feel like i am being dragged down a bit by his funk that hes in
i hate to walk away
i am bad at it
cbeta is right
if i am going to complain to her then don't
cos i should just do something about it
get the hell out of dodge
if "mom" wants to really go to arizona
i think i would like to go too
even if that means leaving my best freind behind
this place feels dirty?
i don't know what i want to do
i have work at 4
until sat
everyday
aj is cute
and thats just cute
i was angry a few days ago
its boiled down a bit
but drugs and sex and people who are crazier than me affecting the people i love in bad ways
i am not worried
i just don't know what to expect next
and part of me doesn't care
and that puts me off a bit is all
i don't know
everyone out there
enjoy your lives
and maybe i will catch you later