urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:squeeandjonney squeeandjonney squeeandjonney 2007-07-02T20:05:50Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:squeeandjonney:22401 2007-07-02T20:04:29Z 2007-07-02T20:05:50Z <p><strong><font size="3">I thought I might post because its been well years and I didn't even realize it was still open.&nbsp; saw something that made me sad on lonnas ugh regrets. stuuf about being self obsorbed in eachother...ouch it hurts but it was true. I think alot of it had to do with me not wanting to admit certain facts about our life and also it was in the early stages of his illness so it wasn't all obvious to me at the time. So much I wish I could change about all that. So much I wish I could have changed about myslef. I really enjoyed that time with those people but I guess I have been left in the dark with me being the one who flicked off the light switch.<br /><br />anyways right now: been monitering the bp passively and not taking any meds or seeing a pdoc. I would like to but I fear the dulling of the mind and I really want to pay off some debt before I spend my last pennies on treatments. angie helps me by just being there when things don't make any sense. and I am getting a lot better at recogizing changes in moods and recognizing my symptoms that lead to the ups and downs.&nbsp;<br /><br />ange and I have been visiting with chris on the weekends. we are all so quiet but I enjoy the visits. might shoot off fireworks on the rail road tracks behind my dads house on he 4th. looking forward to that.&nbsp;<br /><br />work is good as always but one of my girls has been punching herself in the arm when she gets frustrated with herself. Huge bruises on her arm. Hard to ask her about it and talk to her because of the autism. Found her washing her laundrey the other day. through the window it looked like she was up on a shelf way up high. kinda like an optical illusion. she was really just sitting on a table swingign her legs. I sat on the floor and waited with her for the laundrey to finish drying and then watched her fold her clothes by herself. she is now telling every one she meets that I watch her do her laundrey and that her favorite thing is when i watvch her do laundrey. Sounds sort of lewd, no? que sera sera.</font></strong></p> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:squeeandjonney:21863 2005-04-16T01:04:15Z 2005-04-16T01:04:15Z woo hoo urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:squeeandjonney:21725 2005-04-12T16:58:11Z 2005-04-12T16:58:11Z i ahave been going to class and writing alot<br />nothing much has come of it yet<br />i got got close to stabbing nichole on sunday but regained myself and <br />we went out to to shari's, in the, dare i say "daylight" with her the next day<br /><br />we rented *eternal sunshine of the spotless mind*<br />i remember watching this film at the ol' supermall last year with bernie<br />and after word we both just starred out the window of our car and said nothing<br />like their was nothing left to say<br />"if i could forget you..." sort of nonsense<br />i used to be like that, loud and full of ill tempered energy<br />and i wonder now if it is the experiances i have had or the permanent imppressions<br />i have made of people in my head that have made me the way i am<br />but who the hell am i?<br />and who the hell are you for that matter?<br /><br />i used to hear all the time , and it get drilled in your head, to be open minded<br />but honestly, i don't trust people enough<br />well no fucking duh<br />why would i of all people even try<br />but seriosly<br />why should you give people the benifit of the doubt<br />because from the very moment people give you a false imppression of themselves<br />you have a 99.9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999% chance of getting the responce of good when people ask how you are doing and then you are asked the same question of yourself and there is not going to be an original reply<br /><br />now that i have listed out some of my own shortcomings i think it is time to take a nap urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:squeeandjonney:21418 2005-03-08T19:31:53Z 2005-03-08T19:31:53Z i made a deviant art account<br />just so i could favorite the pillow shaped creatures<br />and take a look at some of the russians finished peices<br />i couldn't find any so i am going to need to get a link<br />but for now i am off to enjoy the sunshine and then skip off to work urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:squeeandjonney:21126 2005-03-08T05:16:16Z 2005-03-08T05:16:16Z the widow - the mars volta i signed up for classes recently<br />english and math<br />the basics<br />should have signed up for basket weaving<br />i am excited about it though<br />being forced to do things that i have been trying to get back into<br /><br />i would like to say a few things about the boy in my basement<br />he is still drinking<br />a bit more social<br />i don't ask anything of him<br />and he does things that i like<br /><br />on sisters<br />sandy wants to name her beby justice<br />its a cute name<br />but not if your father is in jail when you are born<br />her belly is huge<br />i hope it comes out on friday or saturday<br />i have those days off<br /><br />i am going to draw a surf for time travelers urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:squeeandjonney:20919 2005-03-08T05:05:02Z 2005-03-08T05:05:02Z <table width="400" align="center" border="1" bordercolor="black" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="2"> <tr><td bgcolor="#66CCFF" align="center"><br /><font face="Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif" style="color:black; font-size: 14pt;"><br /><b>Your Brain is 20.00% Female, 80.00% Male</b></font></td></tr> <tr><td bgcolor="#FFFFFF"><br /><br /><font color="#000000"><br />You've got the brain of a manly man<br /><br />Feelings, schmeelings... tears aren't for you.<br /><br />You could break both legs and not get misty eyed.<br /><br />A great problem solver, nothing ever phases you.</font></td></tr></table><br /><br /><div align="center"><br /><a href="http://www.blogthings.com/genderbrainquiz/">What Gender Is Your Brain?</a><br /></div> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:squeeandjonney:20583 2005-03-02T20:10:02Z 2005-03-02T20:10:02Z is melifiscent really coming this weekend or did i completly miss out? urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:squeeandjonney:20315 2005-02-21T18:52:18Z 2005-02-21T18:52:18Z yesturday was kurts birthday<br />and yesturday hunter took his own life<br />so today we are going to make tater tots for the both of them urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:squeeandjonney:19623 2004-12-09T17:53:45Z 2004-12-09T18:02:04Z ok asshats! (thank you cbeta for introducing me to that phrase) <br />do the people working on kindom hearts have a plan to put out a game on every single format exclusivly<br />i don't understant<br />the 1st was ps2 and now its gba<br />i love that stupid game <br />nd the 2nd for ps2<br />i don't want to buy a s2 <br />i want to play my mario<br />*weeps* urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:squeeandjonney:19329 2004-12-09T06:38:54Z 2004-12-09T06:38:54Z Dear Diary,<br />Today, Cbeta and I deep fried jellybeans. Butter popcorn flavor is the shit.,<br />Krys urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:squeeandjonney:18945 2004-12-07T05:28:46Z 2004-12-07T05:28:46Z The Christmas Miracle<br />Most Americans believe the virgin birth is literally true, a NEWSWEEK poll finds<br />'The Adoration of the Kings,' 1564, Bruegel <br />WEB EXCLUSIVE<br />Newsweek<br />Updated: 2:08 p.m. ET Dec. 5, 2004Dec. 5 - Seventy-nine percent of Americans believe that, as the Bible says, Jesus Christ was born of the Virgin Mary, without a human father, according to a new NEWSWEEK poll on beliefs about Jesus. <br /><br />advertisement<br /> <br />Sixty-seven percent say they believe that the entire story of Christmas—the Virgin Birth, the angelic proclamation to the shepherds, the Star of Bethlehem and the Wise Men from the East—is historically accurate. Twenty-four percent of Americans believe the story of Christmas is a theological invention written to affirm faith in Jesus Christ, the poll shows. In general, say 55 percent of those polled, every word of the Bible is literally accurate. Thirty-eight percent do not believe that about the Bible. <br /><br /> Most-Popular Articles <br /> <br />• An Era's End: IBM May Exit PC Biz—&gt; <br />• Podcasting: TiVo Time for Your MP3 Player<br />• Clift: Govt. Threat to Birth Control Programs<br />• I Can Do Anything, So How Do I Choose?<br />• The Cabinet Shuffle <br /> <br />In the NEWSWEEK poll, 93 percent of Americans say they believe Jesus Christ actually lived and 82 percent believe Jesus Christ was God or the Son of God. Fifty-two percent of all those polled believe, as the Bible proclaims, that Jesus will return to earth someday; 21 percent do not believe it. Fifteen percent believe Jesus will return in their lifetime; 47 percent do not, the poll shows.<br /><br />When asked if there would be more or less kindness in the world today if there had never been a Jesus, 61 percent of all those polled say there would be less kindness. Forty-seven percent say there would be more war if there had never been a Jesus (16 percent say less, 26 percent say the same); 63 percent say there would be less charity; 58 percent say there would be less tolerance; 59 percent say there would be less personal happiness and 38 percent say there would be less religious divisions (21 percent say more and 26 percent say the same).<br /><br /><br /><br />• The Christmas Miracle<br />Most Americans believe the Virgin Birth is literally true, a Newsweek poll finds <br /> <br />Just 11 percent of those surveyed say American society as a whole very closely reflects true Christian values and the spirit of Jesus; 53 percent say it somewhat reflects those values. But 86 percent say they believe organized religion has a “a lot” or “some” influence over life in the United States today. Nine percent say it has “only a little” influence.<br /><br />Sixty-two percent say they favor teaching creation science in addition to evolution in public schools; 26 percent oppose such teaching, the poll shows. Forty-three percent favor teaching creation science instead of evolution in public schools; 40 percent oppose the idea.<br /><br />For this NEWSWEEK Poll, Princeton Survey Research urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:squeeandjonney:18817 2004-12-02T20:02:15Z 2004-12-02T20:02:15Z this is for the people i love the most:<br /><br />i'm sorry that i can be such a chicken shit <br />i'm sorry i have things to be apologizing for<br />Im sorry that i lied <br />I'm sorry that i kept quiet when you needed me to scream<br />I'm sorry that I disapeared<br />I'm sorry that i probably won't be coming back<br />i am sorry for my anxiety that causes me to apologize for things i had no control over<br />I'm sorry that i take the blame<br />I 'm sorry that i don't<br />I'm sorry that i can never get across what i really meant to say<br />I'm sorry that i never had the chance to say goodbye<br />I thought that i would see you again realy soon<br />I am sorry that i probably won't<br />I don't detatch due to hate , mistrust or apathy<br />but now for comitment to the emidiate<br />i am shitty person for abandoning the people i know that need me<br />not to need me because i was going to solve all their problems <br />but because we all need the people that were good to us with us <br />even when things aren't deep and down and dark <br />what could i possibly do to make up for it?<br /><br /><br /><br />and the band plays on...<br /><br /><br />Private Helicopter Lyrics<br />Artist: Harvey Danger <br />Album: Where Have All The Merrymakers Gone? <br /><br /><br />"i'm on a private helicopter with my favorite ex girlfriend<br />tiny little cabin in the sky<br />now we're alone and we can remember how we felt before we were angry:<br />we were guilty and we were bitter<br />(I must admit I said a few things but...)<br />i'm still attracted to you<br />sorry we've been so cold so<br />eight miles high and three hours to landing<br />god your hair smells really great<br />i'm on a hovercraft to Paris with my former best friend<br />we have to get to the cinematheque<br />we're not alone but no one speaks english, so we're free<br />to look into each other's minds<br />and see what we're thinking like we always used to<br />i miss talking to you<br />but you never draw me out so<br />cast off the ego scars and let's go hit the bars<br />i reserve the right to hold my grudges<br />friends like you, you know the rest<br />but all told, i hold on to my anger far too long<br />until it's a joke<br />the night is cold<br />the joke is old<br />(and poorly told, i told you once)<br />i'm on a private helicopter with my favorite ex-girlfriend,<br />no one to keep up appearances for<br />now we're alone and we can remember how we felt at first;<br />the desperate need to be together<br />must've been good for something, sugar<br />i'm still attracted to you<br />no one's making us do what we're supposed to<br />so lie here in my arms<br />lie here in my arms..." urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:squeeandjonney:18645 2004-11-11T10:10:15Z 2004-11-11T10:10:15Z God Dies!<br /><br />By Frances Farmer - West Seattle High School, Seattle, Washington - First Prize, Familiar Essay Division, Scholastic Awards - Teacher: Miss Belle McKenzie <br /><br /> <br /><br />"No one ever came to me and said, "You're a fool. There isn't such a thing as God. Somebody's been stuffing you." It wasn't murder. I think God just died of old age. And, when I realized that he wasn't any more, it didn't shock me. It seemed natural and right!<br /><br />Maybe it was because I was never properly impressed with a religion. I went to Sunday School and liked the stories about Christ and the Christmas star. They were beautiful. They made you warm and happy to think about. But I didn't believe them. The Sunday School teacher talked too much in the way our grade school teacher used to when she told us about George Washington. Pleasant, pretty stories, but not true.<br /><br />Religion was too vague. God was different. He was something real, something I could feel. But there were only certain times when I could feel it. I used to lie between cool, clean sheets at night after I'd had a bath, after I had washed my hair and scrubbed my knuckles and finger-nails and teeth. Then I could lie quite still in the dark with my face to the window with the trees in it, and talk to God. "I am clean, now. I've never been as clean. I'll never be cleaner." And somehow, it was God. I wasn't sure that it was ..... just something cool and dark and clean.<br /><br />That wasn't religion, though. There was too much of the physical about it. I couldn't get that same feeling during the day, with my hands in dirty dish water and the hard sun showing up the dirtiness on the roof tops. And after a time, even at night, the feeling of God didn't last. I began to wonder what the minister meant when he said, "God, the father, sees even the smallest sparrow fall. He watches over all his children." That jumbled it all up for me. But I was sure of one thing. If God were a father, with children, that cleanliness I had been feeling wasn't God. So at night, when I went to bed, I would think, "I am clean. I am sleepy." And then I went to sleep. It didn't keep me from enjoying the cleaness any less. I just knew that God wasn't there. He was a man on a throne in Heaven, so he was easy to forget. <br /><br />Sometimes I found he was useful to remember; especially when I lost things that were important. After slamming through the house, panicky and breathless from searching, I could stop in the middle of a room and shut my eyes. "Please God, let me find my red hat with the blue trimmings." It usually worked. God became a superfather that couldn't spank me. But if I wanted a thing badly enough, he arranged it. <br /><br />That satisfied me until I began to figure that if God loved all his children equally, why did he bother about my red hat and let other people lose their fathers and mothers for always? I began to see that he didn't have much to do about hats or people dying or anything. They happened whether he wanted them to or not, and he stayed in Heaven and pretended not to notice. I wondered a little why God was such a useless thing. It seemed a waste of time to have him. After that he became less and less, until he was ..... nothingness.<br /><br />I felt rather proud to think that I had found the truth myself, without help from anyone. It puzzled me that other people hadn't found out, too. God was gone. We were younger. We had reached past him. Why couldn't they see it? It still puzzles me." urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:squeeandjonney:18300 2004-11-09T18:21:12Z 2004-11-09T18:21:12Z "Is there anything, in this election, to feel optimistic about? If Democrats use this loss as a defining moment and return to party principles of fighting for those with least and those left out, that's a good thing. And if we build on the historic voter turnout toward greater levels of civic participation, that's also good. Finally, if we confront the issue of faith so that the Bible cannot be manipulated as a Republican tool, that helps us build toward 2008. But I am frankly grasping at straws in an attempt to be optimistic. 2 November 2004 was simply not a good day. "<br /><br />Julianne Malveaux urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:squeeandjonney:18118 2004-11-08T19:05:34Z 2004-11-08T19:05:34Z i have been working<br />cbeta just joined me too<br />i get my check wednesday and i think i may be buying up someones stockpile<br />if i only made that much!<br />but this is going to require seeing *him* again<br />maybe it is time<br />not avoiding just have not gotten around to it<br />tonight though i am going to contact mr. deathrage to play with seashells by the seashore<br />what else does sally sell? urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:squeeandjonney:17835 2004-10-22T05:58:54Z 2004-10-22T05:58:54Z jimmy eat world did i ever mention that i was completly head over heels in love because it is still true if thats how to apropriatly describe this oblivion i live in because its all starting to sound like gibberish to me if you feel this way for someone than arent you supposed to stay and stick by them i am still doing that right? this still counts? when is all of this going to wrap itself up and start making sense? i visited bernie today and we spent about a half hour talking about all things shit we need to do i got my blankie back he insisted basically said that i was an indian giver if i didn't take it back and then he told me to *stop being a butt* ad go home and go to sleep because he wanted to get his last toke in and go pass out he is supposed to call me in the morning i am not sure why either though we will see when and if he does am i doubtful? lets just say that i am sleepy urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:squeeandjonney:17472 2004-10-21T06:29:00Z 2004-10-21T06:29:00Z the boy got his liscence back<br />that makes me happy urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:squeeandjonney:17191 2004-10-21T02:40:16Z 2004-10-21T02:40:16Z if i die because i am murdered i don't want my killer to be executed urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:squeeandjonney:17056 2004-10-21T02:17:24Z 2004-10-21T02:17:24Z krystal for president in 2020 (i will be 35) urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:squeeandjonney:16336 2004-08-18T21:31:22Z 2004-08-18T21:31:22Z ive been living with him<br />i don't know how long this will last<br />my favorite ataris song keeps playing in my head<br />and i want to walk away<br />i really don't have any direction<br />my hope are none<br />here isn't really anything i am looking for anymore<br />its more like i am waiting<br />been wandering back and forth to work<br />scrouging for gas<br />ad ciggerettes<br />josh has turned me into a dirty punk<br />i stopped showering obsessivly<br />i owe ange 5 and my other "mom" 20<br />sad state of affairs<br />but hey i get paid tommorow<br />and i have plans for a carton of newports<br />thats what i am looking forward too<br />i feel like i am being dragged down a bit by his funk that hes in<br />i hate to walk away<br />i am bad at it<br />cbeta is right<br />if i am going to complain to her then don't<br />cos i should just do something about it<br />get the hell out of dodge<br />if "mom" wants to really go to arizona<br />i think i would like to go too<br />even if that means leaving my best freind behind<br />this place feels dirty?<br />i don't know what i want to do<br />i have work at 4<br />until sat<br />everyday<br />aj is cute<br />and thats just cute<br />i was angry a few days ago<br />its boiled down a bit<br />but drugs and sex and people who are crazier than me affecting the people i love in bad ways<br />i am not worried<br />i just don't know what to expect next<br />and part of me doesn't care<br />and that puts me off a bit is all<br />i don't know<br />everyone out there<br />enjoy your lives<br />and maybe i will catch you later urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:squeeandjonney:15906 2004-07-26T07:46:28Z 2004-07-26T07:46:28Z so he showed up angry<br />turns out that he was told that josh was passed out in my room<br />he didn't realize that josh was his brother josh<br /><br />he was orginally looking for his check<br />to see where it had been mailed <br />since he had quit his job<br />he found it at my moms<br />he told my sister steph that they might all go camping together<br />when i found out that i told him i was angry that he had gotten her hopes up<br />with that type of random comment<br />i found out he told her that when i picked her up the next day<br />she and josh and i and stevie and lonna and that guy james went bowling that night<br />i got frustrated in general and went out to the car<br />josh and i talked and he calmed me down<br />so by the time i had relaxed we had gotten home to find bernie sitting in a strange car out in front of our apartment<br />when i got out of my car he drove off<br />he then moved his car to the other side facing our balcony<br />i didn't know that at the time<br />it was just one of his drives <br />but at the time i was feeling stalked<br />so the next night i aquired some 151<br />cbeta and i drank<br />i called bernie cos i heard that he had called about 30 times that day<br />when i called he was stoned<br />he told me he never called and i beleive him<br />but he tried to tell me that he never drove over<br />then when i pressed the question<br />he said he would talk to me the next day<br />i stopped careing and had fun with cbeta and josh<br />the next night he showed up and we had a talk<br />and now i know everything there is to know about that boy<br />before i knew more than anyone else<br />and now i know everything<br />at least everything he knows<br /><br />*note that was not an opionated comment<br /><br />anytways we had a really good night<br />he stayed until 4 in the morning<br />the next morning i was feeling good<br />that night i had begun to freak out about it all again<br />the next ngiht i went to work and was so freaked out i walked out on my new job<br />i went home and started talking out loud to a voice in my head<br />until i passed out<br />in the morning it was still talking and i was still responding<br />we talked about offing me<br />and i told the people around me<br />and they shrugged at me<br />with that worried look<br />i went to wild waves<br />next day i went and hung out with the little brothers and took them to the apartment<br />spent a couple hours looking for pot in covington<br />everyone was dry thank god<br />so we settled for some dark rum from my moms bar<br />bernie came over and the kids were in trouble so we took them home<br />he was actually glad to see me<br />so shocking i was just being paranoid<br /><br /> we talked about what was happenning<br />i told him i was sick of feeling shitty and making myself feel shitty<br />with my paranoia<br />we decided that we are both paranoid and neurotic<br />and that we both might need to work on that<br />he stayed the night<br />woke up in the morning with my head laying on his chest<br />and every time i tried to lift my head to get up he would<br />carress his hand though my hair and hold me closer to him<br />that day we decided to go and get the papers for grcc financial aid<br />and my car made some awful sounds<br />so we drove it and parked it at his moms<br />his mom drove us the the apartment<br />we drove to his new home<br />got his truck and a replacment motor and a cherry picker<br />drove to his moms<br />drove back to the apartment<br />and we stayed the night here together<br />went to his moms in the morning<br />i got nice and dirty<br />learned alot<br />then later that night he dropped me off<br />and went out with his buddy jason<br />and came back after word to kiss me goodnight and to tell me to go to sleep<br />picked me up in the morning<br />went to his moms to work on the car<br />on the way back home the truck dropped peices of the tranny on kent kangley<br />so we stayed the night in his moms living room<br />fixed the car today<br />and then i drove him home<br />says he will call me tommorow urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:squeeandjonney:15691 2004-07-24T07:07:39Z 2004-07-24T07:07:39Z let me tell you whats been going on in realistic non poetic and no opinions unless i put it on the side<br /><br /><br />bernie had his truck break down a couple months ago<br />it really got him stressed out<br />he got paranoid about me lonna and mel and laura and nicole drinking<br />paranoid about our activities outside of the apartment<br />he got "stuck" with the idea of working for the door company<br />they paid him shit<br />and treated him the same way<br />for some reason because lonna quit school he thought i had given it up too<br />so we decided to break up<br /><br />(probably a very very good choice)<br /><br />i of course freaked out<br />that is what i do<br />he stayed with us for a while<br />mel moved in<br />laura moved in<br />4 girls and him<br />he made a comment about not likeing the fact that he was in bachelorette pad<br /><br />(right now i have the same feelings about myself)<br /><br />he moved out<br />i freaked out again<br />because it is what i do<br />every week or so he would show up and we would end up stressing eachother out and then sleeping together<br />then he went on a couple dates with this girl<br />and started using some substances i don't aprove of<br />then we slept together again<br />then i found out he was dating<br />called him up and bitched him out<br />i freaked out again<br />of course i did<br />he came over the next day<br />we talked for about 2 hours<br />i told him that i was discusted with the idea of him involving me with anything like that if he was going to start dating people<br />i asked if he was going to bother saying anything to her<br />he looked away and said he didn't know<br />i asked him if he had been using any drugs<br />he said no (he lied...and i rolled my eyes to confirm that i knew better)<br />i changed the subject<br />i told him i felt like he was trying to erase 3 and a half years<br />by treating me the way he was<br />he told me he didn't want to erase anything<br />he spoke about work<br />and how everything bothered him<br />i told him how i didn't want to stop spending time with his family<br />and he brought up how he didn't plan on seeing them much anymore<br />he spoke about how he needs to rely completly on himself<br />i told him he was wrong<br />i was angry by the time he was leaving<br />i told him that i didn't think he even wanted to be freinds anymore<br />he said that wasn't true<br />i told him i didn't think he was making much of an effort<br />he gave me one of those holding tight goodbye hugs and breathed in deeply<br />then gave a half smile and left<br /><br /><br /><br />i moped around alot<br />i hung out with this guy one night <br />i did things i wish i didn't <br />but no not that much<br />i *realized* that i can't do that to myself<br />i decided to find something better to do and fill my time<br />with something better than stressing over him<br />so we had josh come over to stay away from drugs<br />he taought me a bit about how to skateboard<br />we hung out every night way too late<br />bernie showed up at my work kind of angry urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:squeeandjonney:15463 2004-07-19T07:51:13Z 2004-07-19T07:51:13Z i have drank fri sat and sunday night<br /><br />friday i told a girl something true but something i shouldn't have because i have other crazy thoughts still consiming me<br /><br />saturday i spent with that man who has smothered my bitter soul<br />and of course we did what we shouldn't have for about 5 hours mixed with 4 hours of talking. he says he doesn't regret it. he says that he needs me.i don't know what for. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:squeeandjonney:15308 2004-07-19T07:43:04Z 2004-07-19T07:43:04Z so i just want to say that things suck<br />i have been drinking everyday<br />151 is the only thing that keeps my stomache from aching<br />makes me think of kurt cobain<br /><br />stevie walked in the door and i had to look at him about three times before i was convinced that it wasn't bernard<br />they have identical profiles<br />at leat when i don't get a good look at their face<br /><br />i don't want to make any decidions anymore<br />i don't want to be told what to do<br />i don't want the next day to be what i am waiting for<br />i am trying out dealing with things day by day and i feel like<br />it may never end<br />things are not right<br />i am missing something essential<br />i can't keep running into this wall<br />i know how he feels<br /><br />the best thing their is<br />is him holding me<br /><br />it is the most uncomplicated and beautiful thing<br /><br />i told him if i could die right then i would die happy<br /><br />maybe i should carry a pistol for the next embrace<br /><br />i should be seeing him on wednesday<br /><br />anyone out there that owns a small fire arm and would like to make a girl really happy?<br /><br />so lets talk about whats going on<br /><br />i don't know if i am being a complete moron or not<br />and i freal out cos i need to know whats going on<br /><br />i feel like i brought him back down to earth so that he could deal with life but he ended up spending his sane time enjoying it with other people<br />wonderful<br />i fixed you up so that you could be in a good enough mood to spend with jason and samantha?<br />what?<br />what bullshit is that?<br /><br />you are so right<br />you do treat me like shit<br />i was really happy yesturday<br />like i was getting through to him <br />and now i feel like shit<br /><br />i was thinking well<br />this is what you wanted<br />you wanted him to be happy<br />i need him to be happy<br />and i know that us talking through all that bs got him back down<br />but you know i am upset about some things<br />and i want and need and phisically will get sick if i cannot get them off my chest<br />and i ask you to come and be there for me you have to say that the day by day thing does not really include me for today<br />cos you are already busy enjoying your time elsewhere<br /><br />i am antisocial and fucked<br />because all i need is all that i cannot have and all that i cannot have i you boy<br />i am diseased<br />what you have done has affected me and i cannot get rid of it<br /><br />i the one person that i would die for is the one person that i cannot trust<br />what do i do?<br /><br />he is confused?<br />make a choice and stick with it<br />make one<br />any single one<br />yes i want you to choose<br />and if it is wrong then fuck fuck fuck fuck<br />i already made the decision to love you forever<br />and i can't take it back<br />my heart is all yours and it is all broken urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:squeeandjonney:14993 2004-06-30T14:11:59Z 2004-06-30T14:11:59Z India ink, sewing needle, an ice cube, and some thread.